I just went back and read this post I wrote a year ago. Even with two years having gone by and so much having changed in our lives (having Jonah, graduating from med-school, moving to Ohio), sometimes the pain of loosing Leyton is still really fresh for me. I guess that's understandable now even having a son, I am able to see everything I didn't get to have with Leyton with Jonah now.
With all of the change that has been happening in our lives and thinking about Leyton and how I would have a two year old, I've been kind of a closet emotional mess (does that make sense?). We just got back from a short visit in Dayton to celebrate my Pop-p-'s 70th birthday, and with a busy and full weekend my mind wasn't always thinking about Leyton and the day that we lost him. I guess that I am thankful for the distractions (but then I of course start feeling guilty), as I remember last year I tried to stay busy to help keep my mind from going to a dark place. But today during worship at church my thoughts were definitely on Leyton (that happens often during worship).
As embarrassed as I get sometimes when tears start streaming down my face during worship, I love that moment when the Lord touches my heart and reminds me so much of His love for me. It is such a sweet moment of grace.
When I thought my broken heart could not possibly be put back together after loosing Leyton, the Lord has been faithful to hold every single piece and slowly but surely mend it back together. I know I have said this before but will continue to say this, the Lord's has been so faithful to bless me with His grace every single day. With new mercies every morning, Jesus remains faithful.
I'm not exactly sure how the day is going to go (emotionally). Part of me just wants to sit and and be sad but I know that is from the Enemy who does not want me to feel happy and gives me those guilty feelings. I'm sure I will have sad moments but I will also rejoice in the blessings of grace the Lord has given me, my wonderful husband and my sweet sweet Jonah. Oh how my Jonah fills my heart with so much joy.
I really want to share this song called "Beauty Will Rise" by Steve Curtis Chapman. I can't listen to it without crying. My friend Teena gave me this cd back in February 2010 when I wasn't even pregnant with Jonah yet. You don't really have to watch the video as it is an unofficial music video.
If you remember, Josh and I would certainly appreciate your prayers today. And thank you to our family and friends who continue to lift us up in prayer. Experiencing the Lord's love and grace everyday is a direct result of the many people who have been so faithful to pray for us.