Disclaimer: this is straight from my journal and some of the sentences may not be complete sentences or make much sense. I just wanted to quickly get what was in my heart out and on to paper.
Thoughts on prayer...I'm struggling with how to pray. I'm asking the Lord for a strong and healthy baby. I'm pleading with him to protect this baby from all harm (in the womb and out). I'm asking the Lord for Josh and I to meet this baby on this side of Heaven.
I don't know why but deep inside this doesn't feel quite right.
I know I should be praying, "Lord, I want your will to be in done in my life." And in almost every area of my life I truly desire this. But regarding having this baby, I don't want his will to be done in my life if thata means this baby will die too. Is that horrible? How can I say, "Lord, I trust you with my life." (which I can), but still struggle to say I want his will to be done in my life?
Are my selfish human desires getting in the way of God's best for me?
And I aslo start thinking of when I'm asking the Lord to protect my baby, I'm reminded that the Lord has fully protected Leyton. He never got to experience any pain or suffering. Wouldn't I want this for all of my children?
Lord, how do you want me to pray for this baby?
Lord, I desire for you to be glorified in my life.
I recently got to talk with my dear friend Amy via Skype (who happens to live in Italy, so cool right?), I always feel refreshed after she and I talk. Amy is an amazing woman and a wonderful friend. She is always full of wisdom and encouragement for me at exactly the right moments always when I need them. She told me that the Lord wants me to be praying for my baby and encouraged me to do so (Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. Philippians 4:6).
We also talked a lot about surrendering to the Lord's will for our lives, asking the Lord to help us to align our will to His. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way but this is so scary for me. I have seen first hand what His will is for my life when that meant that my son was called to Heaven before I was ever able to meet him and look into his precious eyes. But who are we to ever think we know what's best for our lives? I've heard this so many times and I know this (but often need to be reminded of this)...THE LORD KNOWS WHAT IS BEST FOR US.
Thanks again Amy for sharing your wisdom with me. I'll be calling again soon for another pep talk. :)
Also....we have a scheduled c-section for Monday November 22. Only two more weeks!